I have known Tom for over two years and he never ceases to amaze me.  Please read this.

tomoatmeal:

Hi there.  How are you?  Really?  I’m fine.  Okay, let’s get down to brass tacks here.  I just finished writing the steamiest romantic thriller probably ever.  It’s filled with suspense and really hot sex scenes, which audiences love.  I’m just looking for an agent who wants to get themselves filthy rich by helping me move this project forward.

In one action-packed scene, these guys are chasing this other guy on motorcycles and he is driving this convertible.  The bad guys are also shooting guns and shouting mean things like, “You’re a bitch!” and “I’m going to shoot you in your fat ass, you fucking whale!”  The dude in the convertible suddenly pulls the emergency brake and the car spins to a halt.  The hero then jumps out (while the car is spinning) and rapes the two motorcycle villians in a way that is closer to athletic competition than traditional sex.  After that, the bad guys get gunned down by a helicopter and the good guy jumps off a bridge and lands in this inflatable raft that his Indian sidekick has arranged.  Once they’re safe, the main guy says to the indian (as if he were Christopher Columbus), I’m glad your people aren’t still totally pissed about whitey’s stealing your land and nearly eradicating your entire race with trickery.  This makes the Indian laugh and he says, “If I held grudges, how would be able to hold this oar that I am paddling with?”  (*This is funny because the indian is making a joke, which implies the act of holding a grudge requires hands)

In this really steamy sex scene that happens later, the hero is making out with this really hot girl while her parents are upstairs watching a movie.  He starts feeling her up and she’s like, “Talk dirty to me.”  The guy is all cool and he starts telling her how if she were a public bus stop, he would expose himself to the people waiting at her and then cower behind a dumpster and silently beat off while the cops were trying to gather information about the bus stop pervert’s identity.  As expected, this makes the girl really hot and they have consensual, protected sex.

So that’s just a snippet of the big project.  Please let me know if you’re interested and I’ll get you more details.  Let’s get rich together!

Tom Oatmeal